In an unprecedented twist of municipal madness, the Bulawayo City Council (BCC) has embarked on a crusade to equip its valiant municipal police officers with helmets , not to fend off flying cupcakes or rogue pigeons, but to withstand the increasingly theatrical assaults launched by unruly citizens during their daily law-enforcement soap opera.

The revelation came straight from the pages of the council’s weekly chronicle, Masiyephambili, where it was solemnly noted that police enforcing the sacred city by-laws have become the unwilling stars of what can only be described as an episodic slapstick brawl. Apparently, these officers are now dodging everything from stones hurled with Olympic precision to machetes wielded with questionable flair.

Mrs. Sikhangele Zhou, the ever resilient BCC Chamber Secretary, delivered a belated yet impassioned speech during the World Day for Safety and Health at Work (because safety waits for no calendar). She lamented that over 50 municipal warriors had suffered injuries in 2024 alone, turning the city’s vending zones into de facto hard-hat arenas  think gladiators, but with less armor and more paperwork.

“We have been compelled,” Mrs. Zhou declared, “to transform our municipal police into helmeted knights guarding the realm of vending stalls, which have become hotspots of chaos and candy-apple rebellion.” She painted a vivid picture of officers fending off assaults with everything from medieval stones to modern firearms, all while maintaining the dignity of local governance.

Highlighting the notorious pushcart brigade as the city’s chief mischief makers, she described them as a menace equal parts acrobatic and anarchic, shoving officers and confounding motorists alike. “These pushcart terr0rist  not only inflict wounds upon our brave staff but also turn the city center into a bizarre obstacle course for drivers,” she noted, urging the public to respect both the law and its beleaguered enforcers.

Mrs. Zhou also issued a dramatic plea regarding the council’s central stores, where impounded vehicles languish like forgotten relics of a dystopian junkyard. She implored the disposal committee to act swiftly, lest the vehicles multiply and form a vehicular Mount Doom.

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