Dear Amai,
I am a 37-year-old woman married to a man my age. We have two children and we are both employed. Overall, our marriage is stable and loving, but problems arise whenever my husband’s relatives get involved.
My mother-in-law is currently staying with us after coming for routine medical examinations. She complained that the mattress in the guest room is too soft and said it was giving her back problems. She then insisted that our marital bed be moved into the spare room for her use.
When I told my husband about this, he refused the request. Unfortunately, when he spoke to his mother, he made it appear as if I was the one who had said no. Since then, she has been angry and withdrawn.
She called her eldest daughter, who lives nearby, and now the situation has escalated. My sister-in-law is accusing me of mistreating their mother, yet I have not argued with anyone or defended myself. What should I do?
Response
Thank you for writing in. It is encouraging to hear that your marriage is otherwise happy — protect that bond.
Your mother-in-law’s behaviour, despite her age, is unreasonable. If she was uncomfortable, she could have simply asked for a firmer mattress. That problem could have been solved easily without causing conflict.
The bigger issue here is your husband’s failure to stand by the truth. By shifting blame onto you, he has created unnecessary tension and damaged your standing with his family. He owes you an apology and must correct the narrative with his relatives.
As for your sister-in-law, it is puzzling that she is attacking you instead of helping her mother practically. If she is concerned, she could assist by providing a suitable mattress.
Culturally, it is unacceptable for a mother-in-law to take over a couple’s bed unless there is an extreme emergency. Remain calm and do not involve your own family, as that would only inflame matters further. Let your husband resolve the issue honestly.
Newlyweds Caught in a Cultural Standoff
Dear Amai,
I am a married woman and the senior tete in our extended family. Two months ago, my niece was traditionally married, and the ceremony was joyful and successful.
It was agreed that she would later be escorted to her husband’s home for the kuperekwa ritual. However, her mother — my sister-in-law — has refused to take part, saying the custom contradicts her church beliefs.
The groom’s family has responded firmly, stating they will not accept the bride without this tradition being completed, as it is how all their daughters-in-law have been welcomed.
My brother, who does not attend church, has little say in the matter as his wife dominates decisions. The situation has embarrassed our family and left the young couple deeply distressed.
We are awaiting guidance from our eldest brother, who is returning from abroad. Please advise us on how to handle this sensitive matter.
Response
Greetings, tete. I understand your frustration.
Your sister-in-law is unnecessarily complicating the situation. Once lobola negotiations are concluded and rusambo accepted, all related customs — including kuperekwa — are expected to follow.
Culture cannot be practised selectively. It is either fully observed or not at all.
If church beliefs were a concern, the family should have opted for a purely Western-style marriage. Interfering at this stage is unfair to the newlyweds, who should be enjoying the early days of their union.
Proceed with the cultural process as agreed. I would also be interested to hear what guidance your elder brother provides when he returns.
Am I Being Foolish in the Name of Love?
Dear Amai,
I was in a relationship for two years and genuinely believed I had found my life partner. I never suspected infidelity.
I was devastated when a man from our neighbourhood paid lobola for her. She later told me about it and suggested we remain friends. I agreed, and we still communicate when her husband is away for work.
Recently, we even met for lunch in private. I still love her and want her back. What should I do?
Response
I am sorry for your pain, but let me be direct.
You were deceived, and by continuing this arrangement, you are allowing yourself to be deceived again.
A married woman should not maintain private friendships with former partners. What you are doing is both morally wrong and legally risky.
She is no longer yours — she is someone else’s wife. Continuing contact will only bring trouble. Accept what has happened and move forward. Do not make the mistake of reopening wounds that will only deepen your heartbreak.
